Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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