I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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