My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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