When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
