it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
