my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
