forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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