i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
