Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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