Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
