I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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