You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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