I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
