just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
