She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
