I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
