Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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