im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
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