An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
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