There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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