You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Randomize