Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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