she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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