last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Let's paint friendship bongs
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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