I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
