Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
