Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
