Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
