I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
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