I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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