Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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