Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
