the new term for farting is butt boxing.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Say something about gay babies.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
