my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
