There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
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