Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
