You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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