Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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