I feel great
I just peed on a car
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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