Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Randomize
