so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
