we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
They are going to name an STD after you.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
