if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
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