Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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