Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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