In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
