My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
