I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
