just tell him i said nine months
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
