Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Found the puke drawer
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
