i just wanna soil my oats bro
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
