If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
